Satellite

Where is reality anymore anyway?  I'm struggling to figure out what it is I expect from each day. Quite honestly it all feels like a fog of nothingness:  waking up late, missing classes, eating once, drinking, sleeping through a promise.  I want a Keiren.  Someone beautiful, intriguing, with something to say for themselves but not overly judgmental of me - who can take and give a joke.

That reality I managed to live in while still living at 721 has dissipated.  The boys are gone at schools all struggling to find their own means of existence too.  But for some reason, and probably because I am me and I live my life, it is my life that is the hardest.  Here I am with an all expenses paid adventure and access to essentially however much whatever I want to alter how I feel, when all I truly want is a reality that is manageable.  Kids don't realize how good they have life - their lacking of freedom thanks to the guiding loving care of the parentals lets their minds wonder into the abyss of happiness, not deranged in fear and worry.

Sometimes, some sad music and my thoughts are all I have.  I wish I could be coherent, I miss writing, I miss reading, I miss having the attention span of a human.  Where has my patience gone?

Simply out of curiosity, why is it that the unobtainable is so desirable?  The whole concept of rags to riches, or not having what you want is such a fallacy.  Its almost as though the mind gives such beautiful descriptions of what could be, turning the reality that follows into a sham.  It makes settling so appealing.  No matter how unacceptable, its what seems to be happening.  Regardless of anything, is even this reality?  Four in the morning, Bright Eyes, thoughtless never-ending thought progression and eyes that can't stay shut no matter the weight of their lids.  

It is a conclusion, a sad one.  Social networking - Xanga to myspace to FaceBook - has illuminated the lives of millions.  An art form has erected from the photographs, tags, punch lines, and info sections.  Modest Mouse put it well when saying that the sites are simply a mask, you can attack and break it down but in the end its a facade.  Reality disappears without our knowing, it continues as I write, as you won't read.  Be depressed, you're oppressed and its unavoidable, regardless of how strongly willed you are - its easy to be consumed.